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Sonic, the beautiful blue boy whom we all love, has appeared in two motion picture adaptations of his iconic adventures. They are the two highest-grossing videogame films of all time, and have impacted our culture immensely.

What you may not remember is that CGI Sonic was originally intended to have a marvellous set of pearly white teeth, or “teefs,” thick tufts of realistic fur, as well as the most precious beady little wake and bake eyes you’ve ever seen.

The world was not ready for Beautiful Sonic, however, and he was unceremoniously removed from public life like a Vaudeville performer getting pulled offstage by a giant cane. Beautiful Sonic was replaced with a foul pretender, wrought of pure human misery from a non-union animation studio that was subsequently shut down.

The occluded Beautiful Sonic has returned, as was foretold, as a major secondary character in the new Disney+ exclusive movie, Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers, not to be confused with the old TV show, Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers. Beautiful Sonic has now adopted the nomme de guerre, “Ugly Sonic,” but it may be best to think of him as more of a Punished “Venom” Sonic. As if casted by fate itself, Beautiful Sonic is now voiced by comedy great Tim Robinson of I Think You Should Leave fame.

My hope is that this will lead to a competing Beautiful Sonic cinematic universe to challenge the foul pretender Sonic’s movies, leading to a sort of heated “Sonic on Sonic” action at the box office.

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